Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891

Lettres

Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

BEYOND YOUR MEANS?

Penned upon the 10th of January, 2012

Has your bookmaker stopped returning your calls, and your bank started returning your cheques? Do the tradesmen who once fixed your Daimler now only fix you with a steely glare? Is the bulk of your ancestral estate entailed to an elderly Scottish Fold from Ipswich? Have you, in essence, not got a bean to call your own?

Indubitably, what you need is a FrillyShirt Personal Credit Cad!

When you’ve overextended yourself, stretch a little further with a Personal Credit Cad. Only a FrillyShirt Cad can help negotiate terms with your bank manager – “My dear fellow, you know I’m good for it! I’m a Trinity College man!” – and save you money at the wine merchants – “I’m quite sure it was advertised at the lower price. Such a charming young lady as yourself wouldn’t rob my pocket for a printer’s error, would you?”

Earn rewards as you shop – every 50 Bounder Points brings an upgrade for your Credit Cad, including a selection of monocle-chains, repulsive neckties, cigar-cases, or a Patented Gilchester Mirrored Topper. 500 Bounder Points can be redeemed for a Continental tour for you and your Cad – see the world for Practically Nothing At All! (Practically Nothing At All should be read as a statement of purpose or moral bearing, not of price.)

“These are hardly unreasonable terms!”

Travelling abroad? Your FrillyShirt Personal Credit Cad can be used anywhere shouting very slowly and loudly that you want a proper breakfast and today’s Times is accepted. At the end of the visit, avoid fuss about your bill – simply send your Cad to keep the concierge talking while you lower your luggage out the window on an improvised pulley! “My chum’s been burning the midnight oil, you know – volunteers feeding porridge to dying urchins, all far too heart-touching. Best not to wake them ’til well after noon, what?”

Can the value of this offer be politely doubted? Be smart. Be successful. Be slipperier than a sea-snake’s solicitor. Sign up for your FrillyShirt Personal Credit Cad with all possible expediency, and stave off ruination for a few more glorious months. It’s not entirely inconceivable that a Personal Credit Cad could save your life. (Credit Cad’s efficacy in a life-threatening or trouser-crease-upsetting situation not guaranteed.)

“Go on – be a sport! I’d sign up for you!


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Commentary upon “BEYOND YOUR MEANS?”

  1. MadamC was heard to remark,

    Upon the 23rd of January, 2012 at 6:22 am,

    How does one apply to BECOME a Credit Cad? Is special training required, or do I just let my years of experience and relevant personal qualities speak for themselves?


  2. Sir Frederick Chook was heard to remark,

    Upon the 23rd of January, 2012 at 4:54 pm,

    Appointments are determined by the testing of the Chief Rascal. If you can do a bunk from his Private Parlour, past the Many Attentive Staff and the Hall Stairs Which Do Squeak So, leaving him unable to even remember what you owe him, then there is nothing more he can teach you, and you are ready.


Further remarks are not permitted.