Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891

Lettres

Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Deflecting Awkwardness by the Strategic Employment of Anagrams

Penned upon the 2nd of June, 2012

Charm is the art of apparent effortlessness in all one does, and this appearance is very difficult to achieve indeed. Etiquette gives us rubrics to follow in the hope of simplifying social intercourse, but even the best among us will find ourselves lost for words, overcome by sentiment, or otherwise put at an embarrassing disadvantage. In such a situation, I can prescribe but one thing: anagrams. Anagrams are the oats for the horse of discourse; they are what turn a SOCIAL BLUNDER into RIBALD COUNSEL. Below, I present some commonly regrettable moments, along with solutions achieved with judicious anagram application. Observe!

The Female: “I have to tell you that I’m CARRYING YOUR CHILD.”
The Male: “ACCORDINGLY, I HURRY. Goodbyyyyyye!”
Or: “That’s very interesting, but I must dash; I’m late for my ACRYLIC DRYING HOUR.”
Or: “Look! Three vicars in the back of a truck! It’s a LORRY HIDING CURACY!”

Embittered Financier: “I know you, you churl! You tried to DEFRAUD ME IN PRAGUE!”
Quick-thinking Cad: “Bosh; I sell only the finest goods. Might I interest you in A FADED PERINEUM RUG?”
Or: “Please speak louder, my child. I am only A PRIM, DEAFENED GURU.”
Or: “Of all the ladies in that fountain, I would say the blonde has A DAMPER NUDE FIGURE.”

Dutiful Second: “Bad news, old horse. Your next match is against a FIERCE BRIGADIER.”
Cautious Duellist: “I fear I would kill him, and I can’t ABIDE CRIER GRIEF.”
Or: “Well, it’s just as we practised: BRACE, RIG, FIRE, DIE!”
Or: “The time has come, Marcel. Uncage the EERIE FRIGID CRAB.”

Worried Footman: “Sir… I’m afraid your new valet is actually a WOMAN IN A MORNING-COAT.”
Stuffy Master: “A spy! That’s what we get for summering in A MANIAC GIN MORON TOWN!”
Or: “And yet I love her. O close-cropped hair! O concealed daggers! O MINCING, WANTON AROMA!”
Or: “And I’ve spend the morning in A CARNATION MOM GOWN. What of it?”

Confidential Clubman: “The scandal would ruin your family. I think it best you take THE GENTLEMAN’S WAY OUT.”
Disgraced Aristocrat: “My sins are a bloody stain on my character, and my ATONEMENT A GUSHY WELT.
Or: “Hand me the revolver, James, and clear away the cakes, unless you want A LUNG ON THY SWEETMEAT.”
Or: “Nonsense! I shall flee in my airship, at TWENTY LEAGUES A MONTH!”

As you can see, there is an anagram to fit any faux pas and mend any inadvertence. For your own copy of Deflecting Awkwardness by the Strategic Employment of Anagrams, write to Miss Mōrēs, care of Sir Frederick Chook’s Etiquette Manuals, Style Guides & Leopard Oil Co.


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