Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Ineffective Murderers Through History

Penned upon the 28th of November, 2006

Trustworthy James Mondigreen.
An otherwise straight-laced salesman, Mondigreen made a sadistic hobby of adding powdered topaz to his clients’ food while their attentions were elsewhere. He cut a swathe up and down the east coast of the United States before he realised that powdered topaz is not actually poisonous.

Wolfgang Goldschmied.
‘The Largest Man in Germany,’ entrepreneur Wolfgang Goldshmied turned the tools of his security business to a life of house-breaking and standover tactics. His first career was evidently his stronger point, as the third family he visited had him eaten by the very dog he’d sold them.

Yekaterina Rifalovicha, the Ballerina Bandit.
After her father, a low-ranking landowner, delivered an exceptionally vicious beating to her elder brother, Rifalovicha fled their family home with nothing but her dancing costume, a Lee-Enfield repeating rifle and three days’ supply of blini. She terrorised travellers through the area for two years before at last, under police siege, changing into peasant’s costume and disappearing from the public eye.

A Rascal.
Shot a fashion designer.

Leonard ‘Cutthroat’ Skinner.
Like many of his ilk, the ever-meticulous Leonard Skinner began practicing his murderous trade on defenseless animals. To ensure he had the technique, he then moved on to practicing on himself. Those who discovered the resulting tableau described it as ‘tragic, but perfectly executed.’

Nigel Delaney.
A disgraced parson and Pinot Noir copycat killer, Delaney achieved enough notoriety for his own moniker to be confused for one of Noir’s pseudonyms. He is here witnessed stabbing FrillyShirt editor Sir Frederick Chook through the tricep. Outch.

Thomas Clavell.
As well-known for his ever-masculine attire as his serial stranglings, Clavell was last seen riding his tricycle-seat furiously in the direction of France.

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