Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Venus Infers, with guest authoress Madam C

Penned upon the 10th of January, 2007

Madam C, of Madam C's House of Pain!
This all started, you see, on an ordinary, balmy night in the Summer. My little minskies and I were concluding another successful day of humiliation and degredation in the House of Pain, and had retired to my gracious smoking balcony to relax and unwind. Soothed by the musical tones of ice against glass; and by the enormous spliff Cockfoster had lit for me; I leaned back in my chair and prepared for total inner peace. I was interrupted, however, by the polite clearing of a throat. Apparently one of my little prodigies humbly requested that most sought-after of commodities; my attention. I opened one eye, expecting, perhaps, a request to pass the joint, and instead I was BESET with questions. It seemed that almost everyone had need of my wisdom and experience, humble though that may be.

Eventually I was overcome with distress at the apparent lack of education amongst my darlings, and I sat upright in my chair and cried “Children! CHILDREN! Enough! Has no-one taught you ANYTHING? Frances – swigging from the bottle is NEVER ladylike. Abdul, only a woman should be sick into a woman’s bag or purse – it’s just a rule. Katrina – NO. That is just tacky.” I sighed, steepled my fingers, brushed burning ash off my lap, passed the joint to someone and steepled my fingers again. “It would appear that certain vital elements are lacking from your educations. Perhaps this is my fault – I should have looked into this sooner. Whatever the cause, we cannot allow this state of affairs to continue. Therefore I shall make myself available for questioning between certain hours, and attempt to advise you all on the ways of the world.” That shut them up, and I was allowed to finish my drink unmolested.

However, there turned out to be a real demand for my humble opinions and superior knowledge, which soon spread to the general public and threatened to put a serious dent in my Me-Time. Miffed, I was on the verge of calling the whole thing off, and had just summoned Cockfoster to give orders to that effect, when he gave me a silent but meaningful look that stopped me in my tracks. Resignedly, I realised that perverse oblige, with great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to aid those less fortunate. “Cockfoster…” I began, then paused. I could think of no reason why my duty should be unnecessarily uncomfortable or inconvenient. “Cockfoster, please bring the drinks tray and some writing impliments down to the pool, and fix me a martini. We’re going to write a column!”

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Commentary upon “Venus Infers, with guest authoress Madam C”

  1. lifelike001 was heard to remark,

    Upon the 10th of January, 2007 at 11:33 pm,

    lets get good and tight! and discuss the halflife of underpant elastic, and relative indecency thereof.

  2. Cornelius Hemingway was heard to remark,

    Upon the 12th of January, 2007 at 3:19 pm,

    Education is all very well and good, but for my money a stern tone and a good thrashing will instill all the necessary discipline in your protege. I know you’ve got a few smashing ones out back- perhaps ‘old blighty’ would do the trick.

Further remarks are not permitted.