Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Lord Gilchester’s Practical Precepts for the Morally Lax!

Penned upon the 14th of April, 2008

Lord Gilchester and his Dancing Precepts

“Tally-ho! I’m Lord Gilchester, and this is some life advice for young and old, pulled from the experiences of my many, debaucherous – some would say lecherous – years.

– Tired of bills? A revolving collection of false moustaches gives you as many identities as you like. You can be Olaf Hunderson at your tailor’s, Samuel O’Keefe at your cobbler’s and Sidney Potteringdale at your hatter’s. When they start getting tetchy, have that persona be killed by Apaches and invent a new one. Probably best to make small adjustments to your measurements – tall shoes when getting trousers done up, for instance – and have your man hem up the difference afterward, to avoid suspicion.

– No ticket for the opera? Take off your coat, put on a headscarf and voilà, you’re one of the chorus. It helps to go on an off-day and plan the route from the stage-door to the stalls in advance.

– Tired of balls? A false collection of revolving moustaches can be an amusing conversation starter.

– Attach a mirror to the top of your hat. You’ll never forget it, or lose it out of your pocket, and you can be sure you’re always groomed to perfection. Also, if you put it at your feet at the theatre, you can see up ladies’ dresses as they pass by.

– Certainly, a horse will go like the devil if you rub a little Leopard Oil on its gums… but two fellows in a horse costume will do three laps of Epsom Downs and another of the groundskeeper’s cottage if you make it clear that the renewal of their lease is tied to you winning on the 4:15.

– Tired of bowls? A collection of revolvers and a fierce expression will ensure no-one ever asks you to play again. It worked for me!”

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Commentary upon “Lord Gilchester’s Practical Precepts for the Morally Lax!”

  1. Nathan was heard to remark,

    Upon the 14th of April, 2008 at 7:38 pm,


  2. Sir Frederick Chook was heard to remark,

    Upon the 14th of April, 2008 at 10:30 pm,

    Aw, thank you!

  3. Meaghan was heard to remark,

    Upon the 19th of April, 2008 at 2:41 pm,

    Any advice for those tired of others stopping in doorways or in the middle of a crowded and narrow path?

  4. Sir Frederick Chook was heard to remark,

    Upon the 19th of April, 2008 at 2:43 pm,

    Brolly to the back of the neck. Learned that one from a mysterious fellow by name of Pinot Noir…

  5. Tyson was heard to remark,

    Upon the 23rd of April, 2008 at 8:28 pm,

    These will certainly improve the quality of my life, I cannot being to count the number of boring bowls games that could have been avoided.

Further remarks are not permitted.