Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891

Lettres

Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Christmas Remnants

Penned upon the 6th of January, 2009

With all my notes for the Antipodean League filed away, it’s time to address some of the Christmas detritus which has remained piled up near the door for the past two weeks. It’s not that I’m not grateful, really it’s not, but with some of the characters I know, opening presents on the big day feels akin to unwrapping a panther – the panther’s mood not substantially improved by having been garlanded with pretty pink ribbons. Here’s some of the stocking stuffers we received:

From the Three Swell Chaps, we have a copy of their Christmas album, with such truly forgettable covers and barely-rewrites as “Do They Know It’s Christmas? (No, Because They Are Heathens)”.

From Lord Gilchester, a blood diamond the size of a lady’s fist, known as the Transluscent Pustule, recently the cause of a bitter and bloody conflict between rival mining conglomerates in South America. I saw his lordship furtively tearing apart the drawing room yesterday morning – I rather suspect that the gift pile was not where he meant to put it.

Lucifer Marigolds stuffed our stocking with an actual foot. A left foot. Preserved in aspic. A specimen from his black museum, I suspect, or a component from one of his rituals. You see, this is why I’m always saying “It’s like living in British Columbia around here.”

From Burly-Man, a jar of his dissolving muscle powder. Mixed into a smoothie or tonic, it promotes circulation, stimulation and use of excessive force. Honestly, I wonder about that fellow.

Hominy Morgenthaum‘s present had to be remotely detonated.

One gift appeared to have been opened during the night, and contained only a calling card from Winston “Shingles” Lewisham, Gentleman Thief. We may never know what it contained… and there’s nothing worse than knowing you’ve lost something, but not remembering what it was!

Pinot Noir, the Terror of Milan, sent an emerald breast-pin, the symbolism obviously intended thereof being entirely lost on me.

All in all, I feel quite justified in giving everyone the same gift this year – thirty tubs of Leopard Oil.


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Commentary upon “Christmas Remnants”

  1. Melanthios was heard to remark,

    Upon the 14th of January, 2009 at 1:44 pm,

    Helas, I think your gift was lost in the post. I shall check my contacts–he can’t have gone far….


  2. Meaghan was heard to remark,

    Upon the 30th of January, 2009 at 12:50 pm,

    Hey, my best friend actually lives in British Columbia! And they don’t even have as many dismembering as the rest of Canada!

    I’m glad to see that the Three Swell Chaps are still recording. I don’t suppose there’s any talk of further new albums? I can picture a live album: Three Swell Chaps Live at Wimbledon Commons, featuring hits such as ‘I Demand Satisfaction’, ‘Cane That Peasant (Because We Don’t Duel With The Lower Orders)’ and ‘Wellington and Winchelsea Both Aimed Wide’. It’d be a smash hit!


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