Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

We Need to Talk about Zombies

Penned upon the 13th of June, 2009

Zombies, you see. Zombies and pirates. Now, I love zombies and pirates as much as anyone – anyone could tell you that. At this point, though, I think zombies and pirates have contributed as much to our culture as they possibly can – at least, without a long period of contemplation and re-imagination. Therefore, I’m proposing replacing them.

Now, I know for a fact I’m not the first person advocating such a move. Here’s Dorothy Gambrell’s claim, and here’s David Malki !’s. I hope, though, that you’ll hear me out. I firmly believe it’s time for zombies and pirates to step down, in favour of werewolves and Napoleonic soldiers.

I know; I’ll be sorry to see zombies go, too. But, when Pride & Prejudice & Zombies appeared, we realised it was time to move on – everyone knows the natural accompaniment to Austen is malevolent roving weather balloons. Werewolves have been out of the limelight (and the moonlight) for some time, though – they deserve their chance at fame.

Where zombies shuffle down the street, being all “we represeeennnt modernity’s failinnnngs” and “urrghhh we are the underclass created by commerce, science, industry and military” and “braiiins,” werewolves could be “grrrr arrgh I am the temptation to live a rewarding but immoral life” and “I am humanity’s struggle with the concept of evil arooooooooo.” Plenty to work with there, don’t you think? There could be Werewolf Lopes, we could all tuck fur in at our collars and cuffs, put on big prosthetic eyebrows like in that one ridiculous Wuthering Heights adaptation…

Pirates, too! Pirates, at the moment, are all “an imagined history of an era of personal freedom, of rough but fair justice enacted with one’s own hands, realised through a West Country accent, Jimlad.” I think, socially, that doesn’t represent our mindset as it once did. Napoleonic soldiers could take us to a different level, more of a “building up a new age of Reason” and “though we die, the Code shall prevail” and “for France!”

Plus, you can wear those tall hats. And epaulettes! And your nephew can build public works, install a city-wide system of pneumatic messaging-tubes, and violently suppress the communists. I don’t at all see how this could fail to catch on!

If you so desire, you may follow any commentary upon this missive with the aid of our “RSS-O-Matic” apparatus.

Neither remarks nor trackings-back are currently permitted, so as to focus your attention better upon the wisdom herein.

Commentary upon “We Need to Talk about Zombies”

  1. Melanthios was heard to remark,

    Upon the 13th of June, 2009 at 11:10 am,

    I think we need more werewolves. And fae are coming into fashion, if you check the fantasy section of your bookshop.

  2. Sir Frederick Chook was heard to remark,

    Upon the 15th of June, 2009 at 4:50 pm,

    Tongue is well into cheek for this one – much more so than usual, as I’ve many friends doing many interesting things with zombies! I do think werewolves and Napoleonic soldiers has merit, though.

Further remarks are not permitted.