Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891

Lettres

Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Scenic Pluttock & Surrounds (of Pluttock)

Penned upon the 2nd of March, 2010

You have, no doubt, noted my absence. I can offer little apology or explanation for this unforgivable behaviour, barring that it was perfectly reasonable and it’s preposterous of you to cast such as aspersions, I mean really. I have, in fact, been inventing! I have invented three things so far; first, I invented roll-on reoderant. Roll it on, and you’ll still sweat, but you’ll smell of blueberries. After I invented that, I invented a monogram remover for second-hand hand-kerchiefs. Finally, I invented a useful travel guide, which I will, with your permission, reprint here in whole or, dare I say it, part. It is called Scenic Pluttock & Surrounds (of Pluttock) and it is (though I say, who shouldn’t) indispensable for any traveller with Pluttock on their itinerary.

Introduction to Pluttock
Pluttock is one of the oldest villages in northern Leicestershire, and well worth a visit if you’re passing through the region. Local legend has the founding of Pluttock at around the time of the Roman invasion, and certainly the present layout certainly resembles the Classical-era stone paintings set down by ancient cave-cartographers, found in Pluttock’s famous Wunty Caverns. Visitors will enjoy Pluttock’s charming scenery and hospitable inhabitants; every Monday evening sees the Welcome Dinner hosted at Pluttock Hall, where newcomers to the village are toasted by the Chamber of Commerce and then scraped and buttered by their fags. No Welcome Dinner would be complete without a taste of the Shipberth Brewery’s famous Pluttock Parsnip Cider, made from locally-grown parsnips. “When you want some cider inside yer, take a sip of our ‘nips,” as Pluttock residents say!

To Do, Things
Don’t let the idyllic country setting deceive you – Pluttock is a cosmopolitan settlement! By long tradition, the rector of Pluttock is also the town’s cultural emissary, arranging visits by artists and innovators. Fitness fans in particular will be in for a treat – Pluttock was the site of some of the first lessons in bartitsu by the martial innovator E.W. Barton-Wright, and it maintains a strong following as a sport in the modern parish. If you feel like a workout, come on down to the rectory on Tuesday night, and the holy man’s flock can show their bartitsu and give you the thrashing of your life. If you’d prefer some gentler exercise, Pluttock’s countryside offers some astounding views to the hiker, saunterer or rambler. Why not give back as good as you get – help the rector out and enjoy the scenery both at once by offering to take the glebe terrier for a walk.

Business with Pleasure
For the working traveller or back-packer, Pluttock offers ample opportunity, particularly for the firm-bodied and able. The modern village grew on pit-mining, and, while the veins are long since tapped out, Sodden Pit still holds an impressive rotating staff. This staff is employed for cleaning and replanting as part of the town’s Recreational Reproduction Project – turning past industrial sites into attractive gardens. Rooters, haulers and lumpers (like haulers, but with fish) are all needed to cart the soil and establish fresh flora. If you’re not so physically inclined, Pluttock’s library regularly hires on hands to tend the stacks during summer rush. This would be a superb opportunity to check out the volumes of Pluttock’s great author, G. Edwinly Winderstash, beginning with his famous All My Mother’s Manacles.

However your interests lie, Pluttock is a worthy destination while touring northern Leicestershire. With fun, food, fishing and falderal, you can’t miss its charm and appeal. If you’re unconvinced, write to the Pluttock Tourist Offices and request a copy of Pluttock: A Village Quite Near The Trent.


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