Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Who Is On First

Penned upon the 21st of April, 2011

Twotifort: I say I say now, Onestable, it was sure bally-bolly-jolly nice of you to purchase for me this American baseball team.

Onestable: Absodandy my pleasure, Twotifort, old egg! Have you acquainted yourself with the players yet?

Two: I haven’t had the opportunity, worst luck! Might you be kind enough to run me through the roster so I know who I’m dealing with?

One: Be delighted, vile wretch. The thing to know, y’see, the thing to know is that these American sports pros, they give themselves the queerest nicknames. Really most peculiar.

Two: Do they, my old cluster carbuncle? Well, list off the fielders for me; I’m sure I’ll pick it up.

One: Alrighty-righty, let’s see… Empirical Sense Data’s on first, Spinning Jenny’s on second, The Huge-

Two: Wait, wait, waitwaitwait. Emperor what?

One: Empirical Sense Data. You know, the foundation of knowledge in Locke’s epistemological philosophy! He’s the first baseman.

Two: …oh-hoh! And on second? Jenny? Is she pretty?

One: Spinning Jenny, the defining invention of the first years of the Industrial Revolution. He’s a seven-foot lumper from Maine. Got a fierce right arm. Lions tattooed all up and down it!

Two: Oh, drat it all to the deepest reptilian pit. So who else have we got?

One: The Huguenot Diaspora’s on third, and They’re Free I’ll Take Ten is our catcher. We’ve got Jung’s Collective Unconscious in left field…

Two: I thought that theory went the way of the luminiferous aether?

One: News travels slow in left field. Next, we’ve got Eighty-Eight Drachmas in right field, and A Parcel Of Sausages And Kidneys on shortstop.

Two: Eurgh!

One: Whaddaya say that for, old blind carthorse? He’s a fine fellow, I say, a fine fellow. Sells hair tonic; his sister’s a nun. If you’re going to eurgh a nun’s brother, I won’t bother none, but there’s some might take offence!

Two: I apologise with all the greatest sincerity of feeling a mortal man can muster. So, basemen, fieldsmen… as the table-spoon said to the fresh butter, who’s our pitcher?

One: The Sound An Owl Makes.

Two: Hoo?

One: I said The Sound An Owl Makes, you degenerate scoundrel!

Two: Have pity on a poor boy who has lost his parents frequently. What I meant was “hoo” as in “hooty hoo,” the sound an owl makes.

One: I do apologise for my foolish blunder! Though to divert the ridicule to your fine self, you’re thinking of the Typical Owl, while The Sound An Owl Makes is named in particular reference to the the species tyto alba erlangeri, endemic to the Aegean Islands and pandemic to my upstairs bathroom, noted for its screeching call which keeps my landlady up all night.

Two: How very extremely clever. Well, you were right, chum as in fishfood – those are the queerest nicknames I’ve ever heard.

One: It is a rum directory, isn’t it? Well, must dash; got to pick my duodenum up from the dry cleaners. See you at the first game!

Two: Give my love to your Aunt Enid!

*fanfare; custard; curtain fall*

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Commentary upon “Who Is On First”

  1. MadamC was heard to remark,

    Upon the 14th of May, 2011 at 12:13 pm,

    As usual, you’ve made my day. Your brain is a magical place. You’ve my favourite bearded whimsy merchant.

Further remarks are not permitted.