Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.


Penned upon the 16th of May, 2013


“Appleby boasts some spectacular estates, but Glansview House is surely the jewel of the Bottom of Westmorland. In addition to an original Norman lintel, this palatial residence – still occupied by the Baronets Coquemarch – holds a spacious priest hole. This installation once communicated with a nearby seminary, for the evacuation of recusant rectors by night, but the seventeenth Baronet had it converted into a Buggery Nook, to accommodate the discreet assignations of his guests. Ever the Francophile, the Baronet is said to have modelled it on the Buggery Nook of Versailles, where Madame de Pompadour was made to moo like a cow.”

“When I say ‘the Lonsdale hundred’, you may think of steam-launches on Windermere, or perhaps of the notorious gang of political kidnappers, but you probably won’t think of wild parties. Nonetheless, the small but exceedingly charming estate of Littlethrush Abbey was said to be the hottest in High Furness, and its owner – the Marquess in Absentia of Berkshire – was a great favourite of the Hellfire Club, and was once considered as a host for their annual Nameless Orgies. A devoted patron of music and dance, the Marquess installed a Bacchanal temple in the grounds, where he would hold his balls in the summer months, to the delight of the local gentry.”

“The best-known home in Craven, and indeed all of the West Riding of Yorkshire, is, of course, Uffington Keep, but for the scholar of Rude Follies, the most interesting is Goodfellow Manor, historic centre of the Staincliffe Wapentake and ancestral home of the Pleasances of York. The Fornicatorium of Goodfellow Manor, once considered its finest feature, was during the last century determined not to be a Gropability Brown original, but an addition by a later ancestor. Academic consensus following this revelation was that the Fornicatorium was a modern invention, based on a popular misreading of certain Silver Age Latin texts. However, a monograph recently published by the Fisting Foundation for Ribald Architecture disproves this theory, with the location of a functional description of a Fornicatorium in the chamber-writings of Chaucer proving once and for all that the style represents a genuine mediaeval mode which saw one or more subsequent revivals, and which was likely a descendant of the Saxon fickshuld or “relations shed.”

“This concludes our tour of the Rude Follies of the North-West. Please return your See-D Goggles to the attendant at the front of the coach, and exercise caution when exiting, as the floor is quite damp. If you wish to learn more about our nation’s valuable naughty heritage, extracts from the tour, up to and including this announcement, are available as an informative pamphlet from Bucking and Cump, Picture Publishers, in association with the National Thrust.”

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  1. Denise M. Baran-Unland was heard to remark,

    Upon the 16th of May, 2013 at 9:19 am,

    Falling on the floor laughing….and forwarding this delightful piece to a few friends.

  2. Madam C was heard to remark,

    Upon the 18th of May, 2013 at 9:23 pm,

    Became so breathless with laughter that Mandoline was required to fetch the steam-powered bellows (with special attachment for the reviving of Ladies).

Further remarks are not permitted.