Sir F. Chook, Inventor of Leopard Oil

Likeness captured upon a daguerrotype machine in Japan, July 1891


Wherein the Author reflects upon certain topical & personal issues of the Day.

Deflecting Further Awkwardness by the Strategic Employment of Anagrams

Penned upon the 4th of June, 2013

Since the publication, little more than a year ago in these very pages, of the first Deflecting Awkwardness by the Strategic Employment of Anagrams, I’ve received a great deal of ADMIRING CORRESPONDENCE… though much of it, I admit, CONCERNED DESIRING A ROMP. These idle flirtations aside, I remain convinced of the efficacy of anagrams in relaxing forms and loosening tongues, for turning conventionalists into convivialists – what else but an anagram could take the most TIRESOME PRIG and return one who would PERMIT ORGIES? Accordingly, here you shall find a host of anagrammatic antidotes to frequently-dropped social bricks.

Careworn Uncle: “The business has fallen on hard times, my boy… I’m afraid the bailiffs will have me IMPRISONED FOR DEBT.”
Attentive Nephew: “Well, there’s no use lying about feeling sorry about it! You can’t manage your PERDITIONS FROM BED!”
Or: “Let me give you a piece of advice, old chap: DISROBED MEN PROFIT.”
Or: “Wait one dashed moment… you’re not my uncle; you’re a FORBIDDEN IMPOSTER!”

Discreet Diner: “Watch what you’re doing, chum; I know you’re shocked, but your MONOCLE’S IN YOUR SOUP.”
Society Swell: “Hwell, I certainly never expected the after-dinner speaker to recite so SONOROUSLY UPON MICE.”
Or: “I hwas entirely baffled by his views upon grammar, I.E. COMPULSORY NOUNS!”
Or: “Hwhen it comes to language, the fellow’s some kind of… UM, LOOPY CONNOISSEUR!”

Efficient Public Servant: All of Whitehall’s abuzz with this news about the MISSING DOCUMENTS.”
Dyspeptic Minister: “Oh, we must do something about it… issue some public notices and SUMMONSING EDICTS and bring me my cigars.”
Or: “This is by far the gravest scandal the Government has faced since the SMUG MOSS INCIDENT.”
Or: “Get out of my office, you young jackanapes. Your schedules infuriate, your index-files repulse and your MNEMONICS DISGUST.”

Aghast Moralist: “I must demand an immediate refund! I expected a pleasant country tour, not to see all these RUDE FOLLIES!
Ms Celia Fisting: “Sir, I am a respectable scholar. You, in my opinion, are the true SOUL DEFILER!”
Or: “I don’t want to hear one more of your FLOURED LIES!”
Or: “Now get out of my coach before I have you removed bodily by an OLD FUSILEER!”

Distressed Governess: “Constable! Assistance, if you will! My purse has just been stolen by a CHORUS OF URCHINS!”
Patrolling Policeman: “Tch! Youth of today, with their music-hall and their operettas. They’d do far better in military choirs OR CHURCH FUSIONS!”
Or: “That’s the seventh ridiculous report I’ve had since lunchtime. What is this, CHRONIC FUSS HOUR?”
Or: “Madam, you’d do better not to interrupt a Nautical Traffic Policeman at his duties, unless you want to see a FISH ONRUSH OCCUR.”

Grave Senior Clerk: Negotiations have broken down entirely, sir, and the manufactory is surrounded by RIOTOUS LABOURERS.”
Hardened Industrialist: “Damn it all… if they gain access to the safe, they’ll LOOT OUR BURSARIES.”
Or: “Perhaps I was inflexible in my demands, but I did not want to ERR TOO SALUBRIOUS.”
Or: “If we are to survive, we must undermine their union from within. Maxwell, ROIL OUR SABOTEURS.”

By these simple admonitions, you see, FrillyShirt continues to provide a superior alternative to the feeble palindrome-based advice offered by this nation’s daily press. For your own copy of Deflecting Further Awkwardness by the Strategic Employment of Anagrams, write to Miss MōrÄ“s, care of Sir Frederick Chook’s Etiquette Manuals, Archaic Dentistry Textbooks & Leopard Oil Co.

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Commentary upon “Deflecting Further Awkwardness by the Strategic Employment of Anagrams”

  1. Madam C was heard to remark,

    Upon the 4th of June, 2013 at 11:13 pm,

    “I make it a point never to be At Home during Chronic Fuss Hour. However unbecoming such exercises may be, they have proven efficacious in preventing an excess of choler.”

    –Madam C (testimonial taken from Sir Frederick Chook’s Etiquette Manual)

Further remarks are not permitted.